10 reasons this weekend in sports sucked

Worst. Sports. Weekend. Ever.

Here are 10 reasons why I wish I could have the past two days of my life back.

10. I hate NASCAR. But even for the dumbest, most hilljack sport ever, the Daytona 500 is kind of cool. It's like the Super Bowl of racing. And yet, this weekend, the most famous track in the history of racing GOT A POTHOLE, forcing officials to stop the race on two different occasions. Really? You're in Florida. Not Cleveland. There are no salt trucks cruising around the Daytona International Speedway spewing chemicals onto the asphalt. If ever there should be a road that's most taken care of, it should be a 2.5-mile oval for one day in Southern Florida where they run the Great American Race.

9. Every viewer who sat through the entire Slam Dunk Contest should be paid $10. What a waste of time and energy. Final results were: Nate Robinson, 4 fan votes. Some Bulls player I've never heard of, 3 fan votes.

8. Did you see the stupid side-gimmick-carnival games they had set up at Cowboys Stadium to cut to whenever the actual All-Star Weekend coverage got unbearably boring (99 percent of the time)? At one point I saw Rajon Rondo attempting to lasso a 3-foot mechanical bull from about 2 feet away. Holy shit. If there was ever a face gesture for "get me the hell out of here before I kill myself," he was wearing it.

7. At some point during the mechanical bull segment, the white "cowboy" showing black athletes how to lasso a bull realized how retardedly awkward the whole thing was. Watching him for the rest of the event was equally uncomfortable.

6. Stuart Scott was ripping on Pau Gasol because he couldn't lasso a mechanical bull. Really, Stuart Scott? You used to be sweet. Now you're the ESPN commentator assigned to moderate the mechanical bull event midway through the 1988 B-List Celebrity All-Star Classic.

5. I almost tried to get myself psyched for the Winter Olympics. Then someone DIED. Olympics = epic fail.

4. I almost thought about watching the Winter Olympics. Then they couldn't get the torch lit and Wayne Gretzky was visibly sweating and nervous and wanted to be anywhere but Canada.

3. I almost wanted to root for the USA team during the Winter Olympics. Then the "winter version of Michael Phelps" was crying and contemplating backing out of the biggest moment in her life because her shin hurt.

2. I thought about changing the channel from "Celebrity Rehab" to the Winter Olympics. Then I heard how cheaply Apolo Ohno, supposedly the best speed skater in the world and the face of the U.S. Olympic Team, won his silver medal. When he was in fourth place and the two Koreans in front of him ran into each other at the finish line like two bad guys in The Spy Next Door.

1. And finally, why are women's sports ever shown on TV? If I glance down at ESPN's Bottomline one more time and see a women's college basketball score and jump off the couch because I confuse it for a men's upset, I'm going to throw my remote through the TV. Does ESPN think one person in the world actually cares about the Washington State-DePaul women's basketball score? ESPN, let me share three pieces of valuable information with you: men don't care about women's sports; women don't care about watching sports; and no one is ever going to beat UConn. Any sport where a team wins 62 straight games is not a real sport.